DEEPAK'S DICTIONARY

A
Aardvark: an awful looking animal created by God so the first word in the dictionary will not be ‘abuse’.

Abuse: what the Bush Administration calls torture

Adam & Eve: God’s second attempt at creating human relationships.

Administration: (1) one of the 144 different forms of God; (2) something far, far removed from what is going on that makes the rules about how things should be done; (3) an incurable disease of mankind that becomes an epidemic every time society grows beyond the size of the tribal level; (4) a mental asylum composed of individuals who have never been able to think or feel beyond their own self interests or abnormal need for power

Adult: (1) a little child in an older body; (2) a time of life to repeat the pains and errors of childhood; (3) the age at which you pay taxes and can be drafted; (4) the time of life when no one gives you patience or treats you nice anymore; (5) the time of life when the slaveries of marriage and a good job mean you have maturity; (6) the time of life when you stop asking ‘why?’

Advertising: a legal and socially approved pathological misrepresentation of reality used to brainwash people into buying silly things they don’t really need and to go into life long debt to do so

Advice: (1) something everyone asks for and no one will take; (2) something given to you by a friend that if the same thing is given to you by an enemy is called a curse and a threat; (3) something well intended that makes good sense, but doesn’t work and takes too much effort

African: someone enslaved, abused, and considered inferior for hundreds of years because their penis is bigger than everyone else.

African-American: someone living in a rich country because their ancestor persuaded some slave trader to give them a free ride across the Atlantic.

Age: something you want when you are young and you avoid when you are old.

Agree: an illusion shared between people who think the same word means the same thing.

Airlines: A people carrier designed by engineers to transport things; an employment agency for ex-Nazi transportation experts in cattle cars.

Airport: a place full of stress and hurry with no space to sit down or relax.

America: (1) a country with more people in jail than any other country in the world that calls itself the ‘Land of the Free’; (2) a place where they shoot you if you don’t wear a little flag on your collar; (3) a place where they spit on you if you have a different opinion; (4) a place where chewing gum is more important than chewing the fat; (5) the richest democracy in the world that has used its power to support so many dictators that six million people have died and another 100 million people have been tortured, traumatized, and intimidated; (6) a country that fought a war to establish its independence to be free and continued owning slaves for another hundred years; (7) a country with free speech where no one uses that right; a country with compulsory education run by authoritarian football coaches who tell the students to ‘shut up, sit down, be quiet’ in order for them to learn to participate in a democracy; (8) a country that will spend $200,000,000,000 on a war for oil, but cannot afford to put paper in the toilets of their universities

American: something 20 pounds overweight that thinks it is better than every body else; (2) something 20 pounds overweight who doesn’t know where Zimbabwe is that thinks it is better than everybody else; (3) something 20 pounds overweight that thinks a credit card is a passport to God and a shopping center is better than the heaven he will kill for

Angel: something that doesn’t have sex anymore.

Anger: something that can be safely expressed only toward little children

Animal: something born to be eaten by people.

Answer: a meaningless response given to a stupid question that is used as an anaesthesia to keep children asleep who are having a bad dream.

Anxiety: what you feel when you try to figure out with your mind what your emotions already know.

Aquarius: a partner who loves everyone in general, but no one in particular.

Archaeology: a scientific and complicated way to find the bones soft enough to feed to your old dog with no teeth

Aries: someone self-centered who thinks his head is for knocking down doors with.

Ark: (1) an opportunity for mankind to repeat the same mistakes it got destroyed for the first time; (2) a big boat full of people and animals that survived The Flood because shit floats

Art: something for people to do who are too sensitive to get their fingernails dirty

Art Gallery: a place where the statues are smaller than you are (see ‘Temple’)

Astrologer: someone who uses astronomy to help people.

Astronomer: someone who uses astronomy to program guided missiles to kill people.

Atomic Bomb: a device dreamed up by a pacifist to stop a war with the Germans but was used unsuspectingly on the Japanese after the war was over instead.

Attention: something you pay for.

Authority: (1) something done by incredibly unimaginative people in exchange for a gold watch and secure retirement benefits; (2) someone who exercises control over other people but has forgotten the purposes or the reason why.

Automobile: something built to go faster than the law will allow on roads too congested with traffic to move driven by people who think their legs are something to kick the dog with.

B

Bank: a place full of unsmiling constipated looking people that proves that money doesn’t make you happy.

Beggar: someone you give a fishing pole to who doesn’t move until you give him the fish.

Beginning: (1) part of the imagination that anything ever has a solution or anything ever comes to an end

Belief System: a kind of crutch for people who lost their pre-frontal lobe in a windstorm

Bitch: (1) a woman with power who thinks you should do what you are told instead of her; (2) a woman who cannot orgasm living with a man who cannot get it up;

Boast: a crime in society worse than murder, rape, or torture.

Beast: the other side of who we think we are.

Bombable Sandman: an Iraqi.

Boredom: what happens when you are too tired to masturbate

Born Again: Someone who never got his head out the first time.

Boss: someone in a position of authority because they lack the sensitivity to be caring.

Breast: something they stick in your face when you are a kid to get you addicted to milk.

Buddhist: someone who tries to be calm by reading too many books

Bush: (1) 43rd President of the United States who has the historical distinction of stealing the election two times. A failed businessman multiple times whose economic policy was to give tax cuts to the rich and cut benefits for the poor; a draft dodger and deserter who became Commander-In-Chief of the Armed Forces; an alcoholic for 22 years who proposed felony punishment for marijuana smokers; a sex pervert who spent hundred of millions of tax payer dollars to teach celibacy to teenagers; a latent homosexual who campaigned against gay marriage; a man who never had an 8-5 job in his life who told his economics professor poor people were poor because they were lazy; a pathological liar who people appreciated for speaking clearly; a paranoid authoritarian in charge of the most powerful democracy in the world; a compassionate conservative who murdered over 800,000 people; a charming, nice guy who gave orders to torture over a million people; an MBA from Harvard that bankrupted the richest country in the world; (2) the thick pile of hair around a woman’s pussy.

C

California: a place on earth with bizarre belief systems that alternate between vegetarianism and road rage.

Canadian: a nice American.

Cancer: someone who can’t let go of the one they love so they feed the beloved so much food that they get fat and can’t move.

Capricorn: someone who thinks ‘doing their duty’ is an excuse for not being loving with people.

Catholic: someone who is constantly going to the chiropractor because their neck hurts from wearing a big, heavy cross around it and their knees hurt from getting up and down and up and down in church all the time

Cause: the imagination that there is a reason for things.

Character: something developed by failure as an excuse for failure.

Childhood: time of life to learn to avoid adulthood; an endless time of life when everybody over five foot tall tells you to be quiet.

Children: little people you create in your own image to do what you couldn’t do; (2) little helpless people you use to boost your own ego; (3) little people you use to pass on your troubles to; (4) little people you do not allow to make their own decisions so that they will grow up to become responsible adults;

China: a big, powerful country that thinks everybody in the world with slanted eyes belongs to them.

Chinese: somebody with slanted eyes that criticizes themselves.

Choice: part of the same perennial philosophical debate of whether there is a god or not.

Christian: someone who goes shopping for Christmas

Christmas: (1) a shopping holiday once a year to celebrate someone who was finally born of a virgin, which is every child’s secret dream; (2) something worshipped since ancient times as the winter solstice and then re-named in modern times to give an excuse to have a Santa Claus who will give you what you want;

Church: (1) a place where everybody sings songs but no one dances; (2) the building with the highest steeple, tower, minaret rising most into the sky

Cigarettes: something subsidized by the government who then turns around and makes a fortune on taxes and passes laws to make it illegal to smoke them in public.

Citizen: a person belonging to a country who has a lot of rights, but they are all on paper and have to be defended by a lawyer who will cost you more than a year’s salary.

City: a place where every living green thing has been cut down and covered with concrete to indicate this is the spot of the highest achievement of mankind

Civilization: (1) a good idea that has deteriorated into a disaster controlled by evil people in the name of God. (2) one of 144 different forms of suffering. (3) an unnatural solution to an impossible dilemma.

Cliff, standing on the edge of: the feeling people get when they have a decision to make instead of being told what to do.

CNN: a propaganda arm of the White House masquerading as a free press; a member of one of the five corporations owning 90% of all the newspapers and tv stations in America; a so-called entertainment medium competing with movies for who can show the worst blood and torture; a so-called entertainment medium that talks more about itself than the news; an arm of the political machine that talks only about politicians instead of the news.

College degree: something people get to get a job that requires that you don’t think

Columbus: the man who re-discovered America using an old map he found in Ireland. He is renown for his sadistic behavior in killing naked Indian slaves with huge vicious dogs, but is not called The Great because he didn’t have enough dogs and couldn’t kill enough people.

Comfortable: something people strive for their entire lives and then when they finally, finally achieve it, they get bored.

Commercial: (1) something irritating that comes at the wrong time on tv that is 30% louder in case you leave the room and try to escape.

Confession: something good for the soul, but bad for the lawyer defending you.

Contentment: something not taught in the schools.

Corruption: one of the untaxable side benefits of public employment.

Counseling: two people with the same problem neither one has solved.

Courage: one of the 144 basic ingredients necessary to living a full life.

Cop: a poor man hired to protect a rich man.

Cow: a non-aggressive animal with big, soft eyes that is worshipped in India and eaten by the millions in America.

Cowboy: someone with boots on that spits in his hands before he turns the pages of the catalogue in the outdoor toilet.

Crazy: someone who doesn’t have the same illusions you do.

Creative: the fantasy that someone has not already done this before.

Credit: something you promise to do and hope you don’t have to keep the promise.

Credit Card: (1) modern form of temptation made in plastic; (2) a piece of plastic with invisible chains;

Crisis: something that makes you a better person and is therefore avoided by everyone.

Criticism: A character defect worse than sadism or smelling little girls bicycle seats.

Culture: a system of using forks to eat your food instead of your hands and then hiring someone else to wash the dishes.

Cure: something expensive that takes a long time to discover it is just another con.

Customs: (1) unsmiling suspicious people who take drugs, your drugs; (2) unsmiling suspicious people who reorganize your luggage for you so that you never find where you put anything; (3) unsmiling suspicious people who are the first to greet the tourist at arrival of his destination to have a vacation, relax, and enjoy the hospitality of a new land; (4) unsmiling suspicious people who demand twice as much in taxes for something than what it is worth;

Cynic: someone disappointed things couldn’t be better and is waiting for someone else to do something about it.

D

Dawn: the incredible miraculous beginning of a new day when all life begins to sing and stir and modern man sleeps through to rest up for the morning tv news.

Death: a time of life when a person doesn’t say ‘ouch’ anymore; a sneaky way to get out of paying your taxes; the only way to get to Heaven but no one wants to go; something about you your wife suspects when you haven’t taken out the garbage for a month

Decision: (1) something made upon the flip of a coin that is not believed and has to be repeated again and again; (2) an illusion projected upon the presupposition that there was ever a choice to begin with.

Democracy: (1) very expensive, noisy way to make the wrong choice; (2) something very exciting to fight for and very boring to keep; (3) a method of canceling your neighbor’s vote so that no one really has a say in anything; (4) a method of deceptions, lies and misrepresentations to the public that is unnecessary in a dictatorship or monarchy; (5) a method of government where the opinion of 100 dumb people is more important than the wisdom of one learned man; (6)

Depression: state of being depressing; a feeling caused by losing what ever belonged to you.

Desire: something that can never be satisfied or it wouldn’t be desire anymore.

Destination: one of 144 excuses to make the journey.

Destruction: God’s way of helping people clean out their closet once in a while

Devil: a person’s unconscious projection of the way they would really like to be.

Dictator: someone supported by American taxpayer funds in the name of freedom.

Doctor: (1) something someone does because they are afraid of death; (2) one of the 144 different forms of God; (3) a professional who knows all about illness, but nothing about health; (4) someone with a license to learn what he is doing.

Dollar: a piece of paper you can trade for sex and power;

Dutch: a big person living in a small house that never takes his coat off inside and is optimistic about the shitty weather outside.

E

Easter: something chickens were created for.

Economy: (1) Something people don’t need until people move away from home and the family breaks apart; (2)

Education: (1) first purpose is as an excuse to have a football game, (2) an employment scheme for retired military and old paunchy football coaches; (3) something that says ‘Shut Up, Sit Down, Be Still’ and prepares you for modern life in a free democracy; (4) preparation for military training; (5) something that teaches you to salute the flag and to suppress your self, (6) A Diabolical Device to turn people into machines producing other machines instead of children; (7) something the more you have, the less happy you are and the fewer children you have; (8) an expensive way to train people in reading and writing so they can fill out their income tax forms and understand traffic signs; (9) a process of psychically embalming the minds of little children by using the same method as the ancient Egyptians, which was pulling the brain out through the nose;

Educated: someone with his head in a book and his feet in the ants.

Election: a time of mass hysteria where the best liar wins

Electricity: the phenomenon of awesome thunder and lightning of the gods harnessed by man to run his toaster

Elephant: something that is a thin rope to one blind man and a tall thick tree to another

Emotion: something that can be shown only by the species not having a penis

Energy: (1) something you don’t have when there is something you have to do, but you don’t want to do.

English: a substandard language with only one word for love.

Englishman: (1) someone who colonized the world to get away from bad food and bad weather and women who thought a blow job was someone working with balloons; (2) a person who is a minority in his own country because everybody he ever colonized moved there to enjoy the bad food.

Enlightenment: sneaky way to get out of life;

Enthusiasm: something everybody shows on their way to a football game, but not when going to school or church

Evangelist: a fanatic with his bible open, his hand out, his mind fixed, and his pockets full.

Evil: when a person knows what they are doing and doesn’t make any excuses about it.

Exception: something that is a crime in a democracy that promotes individualism and freedom.

Eyeglasses: something you need to find itself.

Excuse: a good reason for bad behavior

Explanation: one of 144 different kinds of delusion.

F

Fair: it is what people say when things are to their advantage.

Fantasy: a sneaky way to get what you want without having to work for it. Often is 80% as effective as the real thing.

Fart: a mechanism to liven up a boring conversation at a church social.

Fast Food: (1) an international conspiracy among modern governments to cause as much heart disease as possible in the population so that when it comes time to collect your retirement benefits, you are already dead; (2) something you stand in a long line for instead of waiting at a table; (3)

Feeling: (1) something that interferes with clear thinking; (2)

Flag: (1) a multicolored piece of cloth they wave in front of your face to make your arm go up in the air; (2) a multicolored piece of color that changes color according to how much blood has been spilt over it; (3)

Flower: something pretty that doesn’t grow in concrete parking lots.

Forgiveness: (1) something you have to be judgmental about in the first place;

Fraud: something that upsets you because you were gullible enough to believe it in the first place and now you remember you ‘knew better’ at the time

Freak: a Siamese twin with only one head

Freedom: (1) something people will die for, but they will not live for; (2) Freedom From is something people will avoid in order not to have to suffer the pains of Freedom To;

Friend: someone who supports your excuses.

Friendship: a conspiracy to agree with each other.

Frustration: the best sure way to know you are still alive.

Fun: A condition of hysteria for young people before they are old enough to go to work.

Future: something you forget about when you use your credit card;

G

Gasoline: an expensive, evil smelling substance that you constantly need, need, need to get you out of any opportunity for exercise

German: (1) someone with guilt about something they haven’t done that works too hard and doesn’t like to make mistakes; (2) A kind of woman who doesn’t shave her legs and tells her husband to sit down when he takes a pee.

Gemini: someone who talks a lot about things no one cares about.

Genius: (1) someone of such vastly superior intelligence as a child that he could get all the teacher’s questions correct, which pissed the other children off who promptly spit in his food bowl when he wasn’t looking and he never knew about it; (2) someone who can explain the theory of relativity, but trips coming in the door because he forgot to tie his shoelaces; (3) a person very good at coming up with solutions to problems people don’t know they have yet.

Ghost: someone who found their way out of the body but not yet out of the world

GOD:

Good: a word used to make people feel worthy who do what they are told to do.

Government: A form of organized crime with a flag that school children have to make a pledge of allegiance to; a system of compromise between deception and a lie; a cabal of vampires who live on taxes instead of blood; an antihuman machine without feelings that has a life of its own based upon the death of others.

Great: A title of respect for paranoid sadistic dictators in history who have murdered more people than anyone else, e.g., Alexander the Great, Peter the Great, etc.

Greek: someone who talks about masturbation a lot and who thinks anal sex is a way to keep their women virgin.

Grouch: a person complaining about the problem in such a way that he becomes the problem.

Gutter: where people go who masturbate too much and don’t pay their credit cards.

H

Hangover: (1) the price you pay for having a good time the night before; (2) a physiological condition when a soft whisper becomes a roaring train and everyone decides to shout in your ear because you are not looking at them and nodding your head; (3)

Happiness: something that everybody wants, but no one in human history has ever had.

Harp: the musical instrument the angels play to the very few rock and roll stars who make it to heaven.

Harpoon: a sharp spear you stick in baby whales you find in your bathtub.

Hate: an exhiliarating emotion that makes you smart (see Love);

Head: (1) something used as a battery ram to solve problems; (2) A term in the Navy to indicate where the toilet is; (3) Something used to indicate leadership because they are the first in line; (4) A physiological part of the body with empty space between the ears; (5) A type of sex act given to fill up the empty space between the ears; (6) something that creates unnecessary problems;

Heaven: (1) other side of Hell; (2) a place where everybody wants to go, but no one is willing to die to get to; (3) a very boring place occupied only by people who did what they were told; (4) place where people don’t have sex anymore;

Hell: (1) other side of Heaven; (2) a place where no one wants to go, but everything they do leads them there; (3) A very juicy place occupied by people who did what they wanted to do and lived their life to the fullest;

Help: something to justify the existence of gratitude.

High School: (1) A paramilitary organization run by retired military and ex-coaches to prepare young men for war; (2) an excuse for a football game; (3) a method to take young, post-puberty people with over-active raging sex glands and keep them locked up so they don’t have the time or opportunity to fuck each other.

Hippie: a long haired pot smoker in the 1960s who promptly cut his hair when the war was over and got a credit card.

Hindu: someone with so many gods that every day is a holy day and they don’t have time to do any work

History: (1) something manipulated by politicians and dictators to justify their own existence; (2) something never written by the loser to prove the winner was right;

Hitler: a vegetarian who never killed anyone personally by himself in his life, but who was the cause of death of 60,000,000 men, women, and children.

Hollywood: propaganda office of the Pentagon.

Hope: (1) something you hold onto to avoid preparation and hard work; (2) something that gives you disappointment; (3) one of 144 different forms of greed that is mostly easily satisfied.

Horrible: something that would be funny if it happened to your worst enemy

Hospital: a big factory looking thing where overpaid people in funny costumes too busy to have time for you don’t look in your eyes, treat your body like a machine, and have no idea that you have feelings and fears.

Hunger: something that happens when an American runs out of potato chips and the car doesn’t have enough gas to take him to Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Husband: a woman’s male partner who takes out the garbage and doesn’t fuck her anymore.

I

Idiot: somebody who knows something we don’t.

Imagination: one of 144 different forms of reality.

Intensity: something normal people avoid in their lives.

India: a poor country totally filthy, noisy, chaotic, corrupted, dirty and inefficient where people smile a lot and have a kind heart.

Indian: (1) a person from the subcontinent whose business practices include the presupposition that if you don’t cheat, you can’t make a profit; (2) A person whose idea of sanitation is to throw it in the street; (3) A person whose idea of reality is whatever it is with or without reason or evidence works best for them and is to their advantage; (4) A person whose idea of someone else’ poverty is that it is a result of their bad karma and it would be against the will of the gods to help them out in any way; (5) A person whose idea of religion includes meditation and silence and who makes as much noise as he can;

Intelligent: someone smart enough not to get educated.

Iraqi: someone standing on top of the world’s oil reserves with everyone else standing on top of them.

Israeli: (1) someone who takes other people’s space; in Palestine they take your ancestral home and in India they take your chair; (2) someone with a big nose speaking a spitting language in such a high pitched whining tone of voice it makes your teeth hurt; (3) someone the pigs are safe from; (4) someone with wiry hair from a small country with a big chip on their shoulder; (5) someone with more political influence in America than their own country.

Italian: (1) someone whose conversation is 80% about food and 15% about sex; (2) someone who talks with their hands and eats their pasta with a spoon; (3) someone who thinks of their mother first and their wife second and can satisfy neither one and still walks
around smiling and pinching strange people’s butts; (4) Someone who thinks the more jealous they are, the more in love they must be.

J

Jail: a place with bars to keep out the people bugging you.

Japanese: a little short person with bowed legs who has never ridden a horse.

Jealousy: ownership without the papers.

Join: something for lonely people to do who cannot entertain themselves or enjoy the silence

Joint: something that makes you giggle that will cost you 2 euro in Holland or 7 years in prison in Arizona.

Joke: something true told in a surprising way

Journalism: a form of prostitution using the fingers instead of the pussy.

Journalist: (1) someone with all the ethics and moral character of a lawyer, but without the intelligence or self discipline to get the degree; (2) someone who works for someone else to sell advertising instead of the truth; (3)

Joy: an emotion that takes a long time to happen that last only for a little while

Judge: somebody who convicts other people for something he would do if he wasn’t so scared he would get caught.

Justice: some deaf, dumb and blind lady that is always promised in the now, but ends up only arriving in the afterlife.

Justification: the reason you bought this book was to hold down the papers on your desk in a strong wind.

K

Kangaroo: an animal in Australia with a long tail that is very hoppy with his life.

Karma: the unproven idea that bad people who do bad things and get away with it in this life will have to pay for it in the hypothetical next life.

Key: (1) something metal you cannot find at the bottom of your purse when you need to get inside to use the toilet; (2) the most important person in the organization who found his little metal thing and is already in the toilet; (3) the little metal thing to open the door you do not want to go through or you wouldn’t have locked it up in the first place;

Kidney: an organ of the body that gets in the way of life long alcoholism.

Kill: something God said not to do in the Ten Commandments that governments think doesn’t apply to them

Killer: someone who does it for the government and is called a hero, but if he does it for himself, he is called a criminal

Kind: behavior based upon the mistaken belief that other people are as deserving and thoughtful as they are

Kindergarten: (1) the first place a child learns he is nothing special and has to stand in line.

Kindness: a normal behavior that has become almost extinct in large cities.

Kinky: sexual practices for people with a bad back who can’t do it in a missionary position

Kitten: a little baby cat that claws too much and has to be put into a bag and thrown off of a bridge and into the river.

Knee: the part of the body that stops working when you need it most.

Knight: someone in ancient times with a code of honor and is now extinct

Knight in Shining Armor: every woman’s dream, but when she finds one, she can’t find the can opener.

Knowledge: (1) one of the necessary 144 evils of life that cannot be escape; (2) something in books with no practical application in life that has to be memorized in order to get a job you don’t like but has good retirement benefits.

L

Language: a method of avoiding feelings.

Law: (1) a set of regulations that apply to everyone in general and never fit the one specific case in particular; (2) a set of threats written in language no one understands that does not apply to the persons who write them.

Lawyer: a person without principles who makes his living arguing about them.

Leader: (1) usually the wrong person for the job at the wrong time in the right place; (2) someone who enjoys the company of slaves.

Learn: A nonexistent phenomenon similar to Santa Claus.

Legislature: an assembly of elected representatives of the people, usually alcoholic lawyers, who pass laws, usually against drugs, which are read only by other lawyers and understood by no one thereby justifying the case going before a judge who has to give his personal opinion.

Leo: A person who thinks the rest of humanity is born to give them compliments.

Liar: someone who tells you something that they themselves want to hear.

Loyalty: something conditional more easily given to people who threatened you and cause you fear than to the ones you love

Lollipop: something sweet you take out of a child’s hand so he can learn the realities of a harsh world.

Lying: an essential process of all social interaction that makes people feel understood.

Libra: someone well-dressed and polite who doesn’t like to get her hands dirty.

Life: something very short that is a futile and frantic attempt to have all pleasure and no pain.

Listen: something blind people do, but only if they are not married.

Look: something you have to do when you don’t already know what you are going to see

Lose: a feeling toward something you can’t find that was never yours to begin with

Love: (1) one of 144 different forms of suffering; (2) a painful emotion that makes you stupid (see Hate);

Love-At-First-Sight: one of 144 different symptoms of blindness and brain dysfunction

M

Manipulation: sneaky way of getting people to do things you want them to do that they would do anyway if you just tell them to.

Mankind: a misnomer referring to half the human species that presumes it has some kind of qualities different than or superior to the animals in the barn

Manure: smells like shit, taste like shit, looks like shit, feels like shit, but manure will grow something while shit will not.

Marijuana: a natural plant that is non-addictive and makes you giggle that is made illegal by lawmakers who are alcoholics and cocain addicts.

Marriage: one of the 144 ways to avoid intimacy and be alone

Meaning of Life: that which gets in your way from having the experience of life.

Mechanic: someone with dirty fingernails that leaves grease all over your steering wheel

Medicine: (1) like having a leak in your roof and paying someone in a white coat speaking gibberish the price of the house to make it worse; (2) a guessing game posing as a science; (3) a new form of religion where the name God is replaced by the name Doctor and the devotee pays more because now there are six letters instead of three; (4) a form of organized crime preying on the ill and weak; (5)

Meditation: going through a lot of effort of putting yourself in a condition that makes it impossible for you to cross a busy street

Mexico: A country that used to be twice as big until the United States took half of it away.

Middle: The crossing point between two extremes that is non-existent and doesn’t last very long.

Middle Way: A method of avoiding being total or making a choice.

Military Recruiter: a type of child molester than promises to turn a boy into a man if he will give up all control over his life and follow orders.

Mind: (1) a type of mechanical device that doesn’t use metal or any moving parts; (2) that which tries to make sense out of the disconnected, the coincidental, and the irrelevant; (3) that which misinterprets the experience of life; (4) something that is a good idea to waste; (5)
something to give an excuse for a system of education that emphasizes sports;

Misery: something you have to go through to know what happiness is.

Money: substitute for sex, power, security, and social skills

Mother: someone who thinks she knows what is best for you because she let you suck on her tits.

Motorcyclist: an adventurer who loves the feel of the wind in his hair who by law is required to wear a helmet so when he has an accident and breaks every bone in his body, he still has a head to think about where he went wrong.

Muslim: currently the enemy of mankind because they pray too much and they are too loud about it

N

Natural Disaster: something unexpected, unplanned for that no one has any choice about and is caused by God’s Will.

Neighbor: someone you don’t like living too close to you that you go to war with against a common enemy so you don’t beat the shit out of each other instead

New: a slogan used by advertising companies to cover up the fact the old one didn’t work very well

Newspaper: (1) a psychiatric disorder of shared delusion that is put on paper; (2) a public relations firm for the government that you pay for the subscription to;

Nonsense: usually something indicating a very deep truth of profound meaning.

Now: a word used by salesmen to not give you the time to realize that if you think about it, you don’t really need it and it is going to break as soon as you get it home anyway

Nudity: something everyone is born with that is illegal.

O

Obedience: a virtue in society called patriotism, team spirit, discipline, good student, employee of the week, respectable citizen, and other names; a genetic defect most common among people living in democracies.

Ocean: a huge, enormous cesspool for mankind to dump everything into they don’t want to see on earth; a huge body of salty water created by God to keep South African boys from having sex with girls from Rhode Island.

Optimist: a person trying to look on the bright side who can’t find the light switch.

Oil: black, sticky, yukky bad smelling stuff that nations will go to war over, but no one wants to take a bath in it

Orgasm: (1) something that occurs for 12 minutes in a year that people live for, marry for, work for, go into debt for, and die for; (2) one of the 144 symptoms of love; (3) something so painful that you scream and make noises and it feels good; (4) a natural occurrence during dating that disappears during marriage; (5) something that occurs naturally when you are hung by the neck until dead;

Original: the first moment when you remember what you already know.

P

Pain: something you try mercilessly to avoid at every turn, but when it happens, sooner or later you are grateful for.

Past: something that never happened.

Patience: something no one has any time for anymore

Patriot: someone who will die for their country, but who cannot live with his neighbor.

Patriotism: (1) one of 144 excuses to go kill somebody; (2) one of 144 masks to cover up the fear of death; (2) something small people believe in to make themselves feel big;

Personality: the mask you wear when you are being who other people want you to be.

Petrol: Something they call gasoline in Europe because they have to pay more for it.

Philosophy: what people talk about when they have no idea about what the hell is going on

Pilgrim: one of 144 excuses to get away from a bitchy wife who can’t cook

Pisces: someone whose feet get cold and they hate to wear socks.

Play: an ancient ritual practiced before the invention of modern childhood enrichment programs and forced labor at compulsory schools.

Playground: A battleground where the bullies can practice their arts while the teachers can look the other way and chat with each other.

Politician: someone hated more than criminals that people will go to war and die for.

Politics: comes from the Greek words of ‘poly’, meaning ‘many’, and ‘tics’, meaning ‘blood sucking bugs’. It is a proper noun applied to a process of lying to people who trust you so that they believe what you want them to believe. It works well with stupid people too lazy to research anything and therefore is spectacularly successful in America.

Potential: the imagination of being able to be better than who you are.

Poverty: (1) something illegal in America you can be arrested for; (2) something immoral in America because it proves you are inferior and do not deserve a home or medical care.

Prayer: (1) a business deal with God when in exchange for his mercy, you will be good or at least build him a bigger church; (2) something used by preachers to get people to bow their heads so they can’t see what the preacher is doing; (3) one of 144 different forms of greed; (4) the only way to talk to yourself without being locked up for being crazy.

Prison: an inefficient painful place to put people that cost twice as much than just to pay them to be good.

Problem: the answer to the solution.

Professional: a type of over-educated worker who doesn’t get his hands dirty in exchange for the promise of not doing or thinking anything other than what he was taught a long time ago that doesn’t work and never has worked. Otherwise, called ethics and professional standards.

Professor: a person who can talk about it, explain it, describe it, but can’t do it.

Progress: a process whereby tools and things become stronger and the people who use them become weaker.

Property: a concept of modern times that what is mine is not yours

Psychiatrist: a doctor trained in chemistry that is paid to deal with people’s problems

Psychologist: a doctor trained in research that is paid to deal with people’s problems.

Psychotherapy: one of 144 different kinds of ineffectiveness

Purity: inability to live the other side of life.

Purpose: the accidental result of not knowing what you are doing.

Purpose of Life: to accumulate as many experiences of futility as possible before you die.

Q

Question: something educated people are taught not to do.

R

Rain: one of the tests of the gods to determine if you know when the birds are pissing on your head

Rapture: a condition of ecstasy the Christians think is going to happen when the whole world is destroyed because no one was very nice

Reality: (1) a shared delusion between two or more people; (2) One of 144 different forms of imagination; (3) something that hurts and doesn’t help.

Reason: an excuse for the inevitable that has no cause-effect and was going to happen anyway.

Religion: a form of human sacrifice without blood that puts a smile on the victim’s face and hope in their heart.

Republican: living evidence that evolution doesn’t work

Responsibility: a heavy feeling of having to do something for people you don’t really like.

Retirement: (1) something people are allowed to do in a state of senility before they have ever woken up; (2) something people are allowed to do when they are worn out and useless and incapable of having fun anymore; (3) something people work for their whole lives so they can be free to travel and then are too exhausted and sick to move; (4) something people have foregone all pleasures of life to save for only to discover that prices have risen, stocks have fallen, and they cant afford to do it after all.

Rich: (1) something possessed by people that is unearned, undeserved, and unexplained by the laws of God; (2) one of the 144 symptoms of Ego; (3) something once you have, you don’t have the time to enjoy; (4) something that can be defined only by what the other person does not have.

Road: Somebody else’ solution to a problem that leads you in a direction you don’t want to go.

Rush: when your head gets in front of your feet.

Russian: (1) someone with no concept of money who thinks that if it is in someone else’ pocket, then it must belong to them; (2) someone whose face looks like it has been hit by a truck

S

Sagittarius: someone with a good sense of humor who doesn’t finish the job.

Santa Claus: a concept for children that prepares you for a belief in God.

Satisfaction: A temporary feeling that people will work for years to get.

School: (1) a building that looks like a factory or a jail and which functions as a combination of the two; (2) a place where no one there wants to be there; (3) a place where the friendliest and the wisest person to talk to is the janitor; (4) a place where you learn to shut up, stand in line, pledge allegiance to the flag, and cheer for the football team;

Scientist: (1) someone who works for the military who says he is searching for the truth; (2) someone with no feelings who thinks he is going to discover reality; (3) someone in a white lab coat doing work that doesn’t get his hands dirty creating machines that pollute the environment so bad there is no longer any pure water to drink or fresh air to breath; (4) a rational person who explains to you what you can already see and ridicules what cannot be seen

Scorpio: someone who has to be buried face down because they always die with a hard on.

Sex: the purpose of life.

Shopping: (1) an activity done by women on their husband’s credit cards because they are not getting enough sex at home; (2) what people do when they have nothing to talk about with each other; (3) an activity to confirm that what you have is not good enough and that you have to work harder to get more

Sin: one of the three side-effects of life which cannot be avoided along with death and taxes.

Sleep: something as a young person full of energy you do too much and as an old person tired and worn out you cannot get enough of.

Smart: a way of being in the world that is not allowed in a democratic society.

Smell: one of the senses that tells you which people are bad for you and that your socks need washing;

Snake: something long shaped like a penis lying the grass who bites anyone who steps on them because of ‘leg envy’.

Spaghetti: something invented by laundromats because they know you are going to get the sauce on your shirt.

Spain: people who keep their back straight so they can use their hands while they talk.

Sports: an activity done by young men to get the girls and watched by older men so they don’t have to listen to their wives

Soldier: a hired killer with a uniform who does it for the principle instead of the money.

Soul: an ungrateful, selfish energy sucking vampire that uses you to have an experience in the world and then when you are finished, it just goes into another body and uses them too.

Spiritual: someone looking for God who never learned to tie their shoes or get across a busy street or have a happy relationship.

Student: someone enrolled in some kind of school in some kind of subject in order to avoid learning the lessons of life.

Stupid: a game people play to avoid responsibility.

Success: a form of power over other people that is unearned and cannot be shared.

Suffering: actually the purpose of the soul’s journey in the world, but the body forgets and goes for the pleasure instead.

Suicide: A short-term attempt to improve one’s character.

Surgery: One of the 144 kinds of gambling, but the one that hurts the most and you have the most to lose.

Surrender: one of 144 ways to save yourself a lot of effort.

Sweet: a good reason not to eat your peas because desert is coming

Swim: an alternative to drowning

Swiss: (1) a nice German; (2) someone who thinks regulations are meant to be followed; (3) someone who thinks being on time is the purpose of life.

T

Taiwan: A little island of refugees laying claim of sovereignty over an entire continent; a little island of little people with big loudspeakers everywhere whose little self concepts are totally dependent upon how much noise they can make.

Taiwanese: a nice person with ugly shoes that criticizes himself.

Taurus: someone who sits in the same chair and stays at the same job and drives the same car the same road their whole life.

Taxes: (1) something you work very hard to pay to support the politicians to support the military to protect them in case you don’t like what they do; (2) money used to make a war; (3) protection money paid to organized crime called government;

Tax Payer: accomplice to war; a type of food for vampires; someone who doesn’t read to know enough what he is paying for.

Tax Regulations: (1) modern metaphysics understood by no one and misinterpreted by everyone with penalties ranging from disembowlment to confiscation of everything you own; (2) modern form of castration; (3)

Texas: (1) a place with bad weather stolen from Mexico that represents the true American spirit; (2) a place where people walk slow, talk slow, and think slow because they are busy chewing gum and can’t do two things at the same time; (3) a place where fathers hold their sons back a grade in school so they will be bigger than the other kids and can play football; since every father does this, the strategy doesn’t work and the area has become a land of six-foot six graders; (4) a place that executes more people than anywhere else and represents the true American spirit; (5) a place known for its fighting spirit because some people from Tennessee went there to fight to the death

Teacher: (1) someone insensitive, inarticulate, and unaware who hasn’t learned to count their toes and should be working on an assembly line somewhere; (2) someone the more popular with the students they are, the more in trouble they get with administration; (3) someone without any natural ability to communicate hired by football coaches to bore the ones who can; (4) something overwashed and underpaid that doesn’t like what she is hired to do

Teaching: (1) one of 144 ways to put people to sleep; (2) the process of communication by people who have nothing worthwhile to say and no one wants to listen to

Team Spirit: (1) the American way of insuring that everyone does what everyone else does in celebration of the freedoms we have;(2) preparation for military training; (3) part of the public relationships program to prove how good a school is without it having to teach anything;

Technology: (1) something that stimulates desire but can never satisfy; (2) something intended to make life easier that breaks down and makes you suffer; (3) one of 144 different forms of dependency; (4) something created by left brain mental cripples with untold side effects never imagined or accounted for; (5) the more you have, the less you love; (6) something never born to be misused; (7) one of 144 different kinds of terrorism; (8) one of 144 different kinds of child abuse; (9) something that makes the air stink and the water undrinkable

Telephone: Something that rings in the middle of sex so that you don’t come to orgasm and the birth rate goes down.

Temple: a place where the statues are bigger than you are (see Art Gallery)

Temptation: when you promise yourself if not now, then later.

Terrorist: (1) modern version of the boogeyman, ghost, devil, communist, evil spirit, angry god, curse, witch, germ, bad luck, karma, stranger, child molester, democrat, liberal, rapist, etc; (2) an excuse for bigger budget for police, military, id cards, cameras on the streets and in the stores; (3) something rarely seen by anyone for which 24-hour obsessive-compulsive preoccupation and paranoia is required; (4) anyone with different skin color or foreign name that has a bb air gun in his hand; (5) anyone without a uniform or a 400 billion dollar budget who fights a cheaper war a different way that atomic bombs and supersonic jet fighters cannot counteract; (6) a convenient name to give to anyone you want to get rid of; (7) someone sitting on the oil that you want; (7)

Therapy: (1) a complicated process to make people simple enough to behave like everyone else; (2) another name for team spirit; (3) the process of denying a person’s true nature and trying to fix what is not broken; (4)

Ticket: permission you pay for

Tiger: a large pussy cat you can’t keep at home because they are too big for the litter box

Toilet: (1) reading room; (2) The only room in the house where deep and profound thinking goes on; (3) something that was not allowed inside the house for thousands of years until modern civilization made the human species too weak to go outside in bad weather.

Torture: (1) something called ‘abuse’ by the ones who do it; (2) something painful done to any Iraqi male between the ages of 12 to 120 in order to defend freedom, democracy and human rights; (3) anything you do against your true nature.

Tourist: anyone with a return ticket and reserved accommodations; someone who goes too far carrying too much and is glad to get home again.

Time: something very short when things are good, very long when times are bad, and something you run out of when the moment comes to reap the fruits of your labor

Traffic: something that becomes more congested the faster the cars are built to go.

Traffic Jam: something that becomes more congested the wider the road and the more numerous the lanes to drive in.

Travel Agent: someone who tells you everything you need to know to go to a place they have never been.

Traveler: someone carrying no luggage

Truth: (see God)

TV: (1) A magical creative invention of modern science devised by geniuses to lull people into a state of dullness and retardation; (2) Something showing pictures of violence, torture, and murder 6X a minute to people too lazy to get up to smell the flowers and see the sunrise in order to sell deodorant, toilet paper, new cars, and more tv sets.

U

Universe: the nucleus in the cell of a womb of something bigger yet unborn.

University: a big name for a big place for people with small minds

Uterus: something like the Garden of Eden that we are all sorry we got pushed out of and we are trying like hell to climb back into. This is accomplished by joining clubs and football teams.

V

Vacation: a time of life where you are busy as hell because you wanted to go somewhere else to relax to get away from all the work at home

Vacuum: something created in space by mankind because the whole world sucks.

Victim: someone who would rather lose than choose.

Virgin: (1) a handicapped person with a 4 inch hymen born with her knees frozen together; (2) in California, an ugly 3-year old with psoriasis

Virgo: someone who will not use both sides of the toilet paper.

Virtue: something someone did a long time ago that no one does anymore, but everyone is waiting anxiously for it to miraculously reoccur.

Volunteer: a person who joins others in a moment of hysteria and lives to regret it.

W

Waiter: someone who graduated from a school for the deaf and blind that has learned to ignore all auditory and visual signals known to mankind for attention

Walking: (1) a prehistoric ritual of primitive peoples involving moving the legs used before taxis were discovered; (2) a prehistoric ritual of primitive peoples used by medicine men to prevent obesity; (3) something you do when the parking spots next to the front entrance are taken; (4) something invented by concrete manufacturers as an excuse to build sidewalks for.

Want: that which you are not going to get.

Wander: what people do when they bought the wrong map.

Water: the most basic element for life on earth that will be discovered last by a fish.

Welsh: someone holding onto an archaic language because they don’t want to be confused with an Englishman.

White Man: someone who thinks they are superior because they have the skin color of a fish that has been lying belly up on the beach for three days.

Whore: any woman more able to stimulate sexual interest in a man than a wife.

Wonder: what people do when they see something pretty that they didn’t expect.

Work: something you don’t want to do to make the money to buy the clothes to wear to do what you don’t want to do to make the money to buy the car to go to do what you don’t want to do to make the money to buy the house to rest up to go do what you don’t want to do to make the money to pay the doctor to make you healthy again to go to do what you don’t want to do to make the money to do what you do want to do, but now you don’t have the time.

War: (1) one of the main causes in the belief in God; (2) one of the main causes for the loss of belief in God; (3) a form of mutual masturbation where poor people die for the benefit of the rich; (4) something started by Hollywood because movies about peace and happiness just don’t sell; (5) something for young people to do when the skating rinks are already full; (6) something unreasonable that always has a justification that afterwards proves to be false.

Washing Machine: machine that washes.

Why: (1) a question without an answer; (2) something children ask before they grow up and adults ask when they are being childish

Win: The hardest way to learn anything.

Window: something open to the world you have to cover with bars to keep the world out.

Wisdom: Knowing it is going to happen anyway whatever you do and not trying to avoid, evade, excuse, or explain the inevitable.

Wish: an imagination of something positive in the future happening by people who find their butts glued to the toilet seat in the present.

Worry: something really deep down you know is going to happen, but you wish it wouldn’t.

ZZZZ

Zen: the English word ‘then’ spoken by a German with a harelip and a lisp

Zipper: A diabolic device invented to catch the hairs of your pubic area to punish you for not
wearing your underwear.

Zero: something meaning ‘nothing’ you put between other numbers to make them mean something; something mathematicians accept as a number, but philosophers argue you cannot have nothing of something.

Zoo: An unnatural place where the animals are on the outside locking up the free spirits on the inside.