EMOTIONAL HOSTAGE

Michael Lebeau and Leslie Cameron-Bandler

Real People Press, Moab, Utah 1986

Edited by Deepak 2006

Emotions are distinct from the global classifications of ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Knowing that you feel bad gives you almost no useful information about what is going on to make you feel that way or what to do to change your situation.

Most of us assume that we have no choice about how we feel. Emotion is something that happens to us as a response to whatever is going on at the time. Most people never think to choose their emotions. (They’ve never been told that you can. And they particularly never been told how you can. Deepak)

Emotions are not the same as the judgments we make about them and neither are they the same as the behaviors they help generate. Many people have only a few experiences coded as emotions: fear, love, hate, joy, happiness, and sadness. The rest are merely descriptive words.

But such things as responsibility, purposefulness, ambition, capability, confusion, frustration, pride, security, and affection are not only behaviors, but emotions as well. At times, you feel responsible, you feel ambitious, and so on. Running your experiences through just a few all-purpose emotions is like the difference between black and white television or color. Or the difference between using only eight keys on a piano instead of all eighty-eight.

What we are doing and what we are feeling may be quite different. You might consider yourself a good socializer because you do fine at making conversation, but inside you are feeling bored or intimidated. You may be acting sullen, but you are feeling hurt because someone insulted you. A child may be acting out drawing attention to himself when really he is feeling lonely.

How you act and how you feel may be the same, but the two are distinct and may be quite different at any given moment. It is worth remembering this because the tendency is to assume that we know what is going on inside other people simply by watching their behavior.

An emotion is an overall feeling response at a moment in time. In the ‘Language of the Heart’, Dr. James Lynch talks about how many patients are either totally unaware of their feelings or can only describe them in rational, dissociated, non-feeling terms. He calls them ‘alexithymic’. They cannot distinguish among different kinds of feelings. They are ‘blind’ to their emotions and have no way of understanding their blindness. They can use the words for emotions, but they have no idea how these emotions feel. Unable to describe their own feelings, they also lose the capacity to discriminate between bodily correlates of various feelings. An intense surge of blood pressure could just as easily be a storm of hatred or a tidal wave of love.

Dr. Lynch usually asks, ‘How are you feeling?” at the beginning of every session as is patient is attached to machines monitoring blood pressure, heart rate, etc. They answer ‘I think I am OK’ at the same moment their blood pressure or heart rate increases 25 to 50%.

How is feeling frustrated different from feeling disappointed? When people are frustrated, they still are trying to get what they want even though they don’t know how to get it. Disappointment is useful to let go of what you want, accept it, and move on to wanting something you can get.

Frustration keeps you striving. Until you think there is nothing more you can do, it is ok to feel frustrated. That is, if it is worth feeling frustration about. Is it worth it? If it is, then you need also the emotions of patience and determination to see it through to the end.

The worth of an emotion cannot be measured by how pleasant it is to experience, but only by the outcome it is intended to serve. No matter how unpleasant an emotion seems to be, it is actually worth having as a signal. What that signal is about – what that emotion is trying to tell you- we call the ‘functional attribute’ of the emotion.

The first step in utilizing your emotions is to recognize what they are signaling you about. The second step is to respond to the message.

Regret  is a signal pointing out what you could have done or should have done differently in some past situation. That feeling is letting you know you made a mistake. Through recognizing your mistakes, there is the possibility of not repeating them in the future.

Guilt is a signal that you have violated a personal standard, your own value, and that you need to make sure not to do it again in the future. It is useful to keep what you do in line with what you value and believe.

Anxiety is a signal that lets you know there is something in your future which you need to prepare for. It is a signal that you either need to make better preparation or is something to avoid altogether.

Overwhelmed is a feeling resulting from attempting to achieve too many outcomes or too imposing than can be done in the time you have available. It is a signal that you need to re-evaluated your priorities about what is necessary and what is not and in what order.

No feeling overwhelmed and you waste your time on trivial things that have no priority.

Jealousy is a signal that your emotional well-being is in jeopardy and you need to do something. If you ignore this feeling, you may lose your relationship. No jealousy and relationships are interchangeable and easily replaceable.

Anger is a signal that your well-being is threatened or abused and you need to something to stop it now or prevent it in the future. It is a notice to you that someone has done something to harm you. If you did not get the message, you might be harmed again in the future. Maybe those who harmed you would not become aware of the pain they have caused and so have no opportunity to make amends. No anger, you become a doormat.

Bored / Restless  is a signal that you are paying attention to what is not going on now in the present.

Too often, however, emotions are felt and expressed, but not responded to. There is little point in regretting something unless that helps you change your future behavior. The ‘functional attribute’ of an unpleasant emotion, the message it is trying to deliver, specifies what you need to do to respond to the emotion.

Unpleasant emotions are worth having if they are used well. If fact, if you could not have these emotions, you would be at a great disadvantage.

True Emotional Choice

Placement, Expression, Employment, and Prevention.

Placement:  This is when you are using the most appropriate emotion for each context in your life. Feeling disappointment instead of frustration once you have done everything you can and it is time to give up, let go, and move on.

     Bad Placement is responding with an emotion other than what we need or like in that situation. What emotion you need to have depends upon what you would like to get out of that particular situation.

Expression:  Good to express an emotion congruent with your concept of self and with the outcome you desire. Expressing hurt by withdrawal and silence is not good expression. It is incongruent.

Employment:  The ability to utilize unpleasant emotional states to generate useful behaviors.

The first step is to be able to identify the emotion and what its signal is. Once you meet the need of that emotion, it can be used to change your feelings in better ways. Rather than needing to get rid of unpleasant feelings, you have the choice of respecting them as signals and then using those feelings to take you to useful next steps. Example, like using fear of losing your job to work harder to keep your job.

     Anxiety  is an emotion so dreaded that many people spend much time feeling anxious about the next time they are going to feel anxious. It feels like an inescapable trap tightening its grip with each effort on your part to struggle free. Anxiety is a signal that there is something in your future for which you need to better prepare. It could be just gathering more information to fill in an incomplete picture of who-what-when-why-where. It could be a signal that she is thinking of only possibility of the future event, that it will be unpleasant.

     Once you identify what you want to have happen and what you need to do, then you can use your past to tell you that you are capable of doing each step and visualize a positive outcome. If the anxiety persist, you need to assess the actual risk involved: your life? Your health? Money? Your reputation? A few hours of unpleasantness? Anything of real importance?

     You know the anxiety is gone when you feel informed, resigned, and accepting of nominal risks.

Prevention  Some emotions are so immobilizing and dreadful and overwhelmingly harsh that they are worth avoiding and preventing. If you panic on the dance floor, then either never go to the dance floor or learn how to dance very well.

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     Where do emotions come from? Thin air? We think they are caused by external circumstances. We give them reasons. It seems that the situation dictates our emotions, but it is what is going on inside of you in relation to those circumstances. Emotions have components just like guests coming and going at a party.

Each emotion has Components that are the same for everyone everywhere. There is a cultural uniformity. Example, think about the difference between Hope and Anticipation. Remember a small unpleasant experience and Hope that will not happen again. Now think about the same unpleasant experience and Anticipate that will never happen again. What is the difference?

     Hope has components of being passive and uncertain. It is not for sure. Passively waiting.

There is more than one outcome. You imagine both what is being hoped for and what is hoped for will never happen. You don’t know what the future brings and it leaves you unsure about what to do in relation to the future. If you hope for ‘peace’, it leaves you unsure whether to work for peace or prepare for war.

     Anticipation is for sure and you feel more engaged for involved. Actively moving toward. You imagine only one possibility or outcome, what you want or don’t want will happen. The subjective response to anticipation is that something in the future is ‘for sure’. This emotion orients you toward preparing for the future.

Exercise: Think of something that you are currently Anticipating will happen. Get that image in mind and at the same time imagine that it will not happen. Now do the same with Hope. Eliminate all the possibilities but one and see what happens. Hope and Anticipate have different components that result in very different behaviors. You are not going to clean your room by ‘hoping’ for it.

Exercise. Frustration and Disappointment. Think of something Disappointing and again want what you originally wanted and pretend that you can still have it. Does that change your emotion? Now think of something you feel Frustrated about and pretend now that it is not possible and never will be possible to get what you wanted. Does that change the emotion?

     Frustration and Disappointment are both emotions about not getting what you want. Which one happens is according to the possibility in the future of it happening or not. In Frustration you still want it and continue to try to do something about it. In Disappointment, you let go of the possibility that it will ever happen. With Disappointment, something is ‘over’ and you disengage. Frustration is what keeps you striving.

Structure

1. Knowing structure of emotions leads to appropriateness. You have access to a wider range

to more feelings and put the right feeling in the right situation.

2. Knowing structure makes it possible to change your emotions instead of ‘being trapped’ in the

feeling. You will be able to change from one emotion to another.

3. Knowing structure makes all emotions available to you. All emotions are useful. If you can do

Disappointment, but not Frustration, then you are chronically giving up and walking away

from what you want every time.

Components of Emotion

Time Frame

Modality

Involvement

Intensity

Comparison

Tempo

Criteria

Chunk Size

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(1) - Time Frame – Past, Present & Future.

Almost all emotions involve Past, Present and Future. You cannot feel Anxiety when you think of the Past and you cannot feel Disappointment when you think of the Future. Usually you are just fine in the Present. This is why spiritual teachers say ‘Be-Here-Now’.

Exercise: You can shift from Regret to Hope by shifting from the past to something that could happen or something you could do in the future.  You can shift from Bored/Restless by shifting from what is not going on in the present to looking forward to something pleasant that is going to happen in the not-too-distant future. You can turn Frustration into Patience by shifting Time Frame from the Present to another time farther into the Future.

(2) - Modality – Necessary, Possible, Desirable.

          Responsibility is an emotion of Necessity that something needs to be done and it needs to be done by me.  Once you accept that it needs to be done and done by you, you quit questioning whether or not you can do it and you shift to how you can do it. ‘I Must’ is presupposed.

     That it needs to be done is part of Necessity. That it can be done by you is part of Possibility. If you believe you can not, then you move to a feeling of Inadequacy or Despair. 

LANGUAGE & EMOTIONS

     To ‘be’ Responsible, it is best to ‘feel’ Responsible. To feel responsible, you or the other person has to know: (1) It ‘needs’ to be done; (2) It needs to be done by ‘me’; and (3) You ‘can’ do it. It is important to know the reasons ‘it’ needs to be done and those reasons must be acceptable or worthy. Feelings based on these three components are those of determination and being-in-control.  Without these three components, you create feelings of resistance or inadequacy or obedience/inferiority.

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(3)  INVOLVEMENT -  Active or Passive / Going toward or Away

Active is a feeling not a behavior. It is a feeling that you are directly and instrumentally involved. Active is a feeling that there are things for you to do.  There is a sense of purpose and personal ability to influence what is going on (or at least how you feel about it). Ambition is always Active and Active is always Ambitious in some way. Ambition has the components of ‘Future’ and ‘I Can’. Active is the component in Affection, Fear, Disgust, Frustration, Determination, Curiosity, Ambition, and Frustration. It is needing to do something to fulfill some purpose.

     Determination – get something done / Going Toward

     Ambition  - to rise to a certain level / Going Toward

     Curiosity – to figure something out / Going Toward

     Frustrated – to make something turn out the way you want it to / Going Toward

     Aggressive / Affectionate / Friendly  – Moving Toward

Passive is feeling that there is nothing you can do, that there are forces moving around ‘out there’ that will or will not grant you your wishes. There is a sense of waiting and feeling Passive is part of the feelings of Hope or Victim or Acceptance. You are more likely to be passive if you have no outcome in mind. Passive feelings: Hope, Apathy, Complacence, Satisfaction, Loneliness, Calm.

Complacence, Satisfaction, Apathy – Outcomes have been met or do not exist and you do not feel like you have to do anything. Feeling Lonely involves wanting to be with people, but feeling unable to do anything about it.

     Boredom, Annoyance, Loneliness, Self-Pity – Passive / Away From

     Hope, Patience – Passive / Moving toward

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Structurally Similar Emotions According To Intensity

Base Level     More Intensity     And More     More & More     Most Intensity

You can also decrease intensity and go down from Rage to Angry to Irritated, etc.

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Matching is an important component in: Agreeable, Satisfied

Mismatching is strong in feelings of: Disagreeable, Frustrated, Contemptuous, Disappointed.

     Also Mismatching is found in: Humorous, Surprise, Amusing

Comparison underlies feelings of: Smug, Contemptuous, Envious, Arrogance, Weird, Progress, Stuck, Successful, Loser, Graceful, Pretty, Inadequate, Pride, Confidence, Rich

(6)  TEMPO -  Moving quickly, slowly, steadily, erratically. Tempo is rhythm and speed.

Fast Tempo is in emotions of:  Excited, Panicky, Restless, Impatient, Anxious, Angry.

Slow Tempo: Bored, Lonely, Apathetic, Discouraged, Patient, Accepting, Satisfied

Fast/Uneven Tempo: Anxious, Nervous     

Slow/Even Tempo: Calm

Patience. It is impossible to feel patient and experience a fast tempo at the same time (try it). When people are feeling impatient, it is well known to slow down and take a deep breath and let it out slowly. When we are so impatient that we get excited and speed around, we miss much of what is around us and allow no time for input. Patience and Impatience both have to do with the Future. The difference is slow or fast tempo. Patience has a longer time frame and the outcome tends to be further in the future. You can experiment with this by thinking of something about which you are Patient and speeding up the tempo. Feel how it changes.

If you speed up the tempo of Discouragement, it turns into Frustration, which can be more useful if you want to keep going and keep trying. A coach can use it as a pep talk with a losing team. If you are feeling Anxious and you slow down the tempo, the feeling will turn into Dread.

Speed up the tempo of Bored and it goes to Restless. Not useful if you are standing in a line that does not move or you are stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Better to be Bored. The usefulness of an emotion depends on the situation you are in. In this case, maybe it would be better to change the emotion by changing Time Frame.

(7)  CRITERIA – Emotions always occur within a particular context or situation. When the

                               situation changes, your emotions do too. Criteria are the standards that

                               you are applying in a certain situation.

Some emotions are better in some situations than in others. How useful and appropriate an emotion is depends on the situation and what you want. True emotional choice is manifested when you are able to recognize which emotion works best in a situation and be able to respond to it in that way instead of old, blind habit of reaction that never got you wanted in the first place.

Being frustrated and challenged when faced with a test for a class where you are a little out of your depth. They keep you going, keep you trying. Feeling defeated or inadequate not useful.

Example: You have to give a presentation to your boss and you want it to be perfect and you get nervous. The boss says he can’t come and there are only your fellow colleagues and all you have to do is be good. Then there is confidence instead of nervousness. Changing the Criteria will change the emotion as well as changing any other component. All components interact simultaneously with each other to create the emotion.

Example:  A man finds out his wife is going to have a baby. It is future Time Frame with a Modality of Necessity (It will happen), a Passive sense of Involvement, and a high level of Intensity. You still don’t know how he is going to feel until you know his Criteria. Does he feel that he is gaining something (family) or losing something (freedom)?

Patience : is a good emotion to keep you going toward long term goal. It gives you time to evaluate and reevaluate your actions and results. Best emotion when desired outcome will take time or when you cannot impose your own time table and do things when you want to do them (traffic jam, waiting in line, teaching others, etc.)

     It is not the best emotion to use to get out of a burning building. It is not appropriate to feel patience when you have to take immediate action or suffer imminent negative consequences (get out of the way of a truck). It is not the best emotion to use when you are being taken advantage of or being abused.

Calm:  is most useful to feel when there is nothing you have to do. Examples are going to bed to sleep, relaxing or meditating, or going on vacation. It will enhance those experiences.

   It is not appropriate when you have to respond to something immediately or be alert.

Determination:  is useful to making a sustained effort against obstacles to accomplish a goal. It has a narrow focus of attention that is responsible for its effectiveness. It comes with a set of blinders that keep you focused on your goal and ignores everything else unrelated to that goal.

     Being focused on business only means you may fail to notice that your family relationships or personal health is deteriorating. Determination is also a poor choice if your goals are not worthwhile or not achievable. It is a good choice to get out of Resignation.

Encouraged: is what you feel when you perceive you are making progress toward a goal. It is useful when you are striving toward a goal that will be difficult or a long time coming. Losing one pound on your way to losing ten pounds of weight should be encouraging. The long term goal is sustained one small step at a time. It is a better choice than Satisfaction to keep you going because Satisfaction brings striving to a halt.

     Feeling Encouraged is not appropriate if evidence of success is not coming or is misinter-

preted and it keeps you going toward a goal that is not worthwhile. Feeling Encouraged by feeling good after that first drink of alcohol to have another drink and another has bad results.

Resignation:  is useful when you must set aside something you want in order to attain an outcome that has a higher priority. You may have to take the time to write a paper to get a good grade when you would rather be watching tv. Feeling Resigned does not mean giving up what you want, but merely setting it aside in favor of something more important. It is the best emotion to feel about things that are either short term or in transition.

   It is not useful to feel Resigned in situations that are ongoing and continuous. That leads to pent-up anger and dissatisfaction. Resignation should serve as a temporary bridge to either Determination or Acceptance.

Acceptance:  is a useful emotion about things you cannot change or it would not be worth what you would have to go through in order to even try. The goal is impossible and the costs are too high and so it is best to disengage. You cannot change that you are born blond or black or 5’2” or there is imperfection, unhappiness and suffering in the world. Unlike Disappointment, Accept-

ance is ongoing and allows you to live comfortably with your circumstance.

     Acceptance can be misused to give up on a goal that is attainable and worthwhile. It is not useful to accept a low paying, unsatisfying job when there are alternatives.

Frustration:  is useful to maintain the importance of some goal you have and you are still trying, trying despite setbacks, obstacles, and difficulties. It is Active, motivating you to do something. Frustration is useful to re-engage or remain engaged in striving toward some desire or goal.

Frustration serves best as a temporary bridge to more effective emotions of curiosity or patience or determination.

   Frustration is not useful in trying to change things which cannot be changed. Or situations in which you do not have the skills or resources to make that change.

Disappointment:  lets you know that you did not get want you wanted. You did not get your hope and you did not get your desire. It is useful to know when it is time to let go, to let go of pursuit and to let go of waiting for others to do it for you. It is the recognition that something is over. It is too late or not going to happen. Disappointment helps you to let go and disengage. It is useful to tell you to move on to something else. It is Passive. There is nothing more you can do.

     It is hard to know sometimes when it is over, it is over, it is over. There is always the possibility of  ‘if this…’ or  ‘if that…’ that gives you frustration mixed with disappointment.

Disappointment is not appropriate when it keeps you stuck in an unpleasant and useless way. It is inappropriate to let go too soon when you could have gotten what you wanted with a little more time or patience or determination.

Caution:  is the appropriate emotion to have when you are in a dangerous situation. It is useful to minimize risk. It is useful to prevent provoking negative consequences.

Feeling cautious is not useful when you are in a familiar situation and there is not danger. It occupies a lot of consciousness with calculations about how to avoid or respond to possible dangers. Caution increases alertness to the outside, but dulls enjoyment/sensation inside.

Suspicion: is useful when you are with people who can harm you, know they can harm you, and yet are treating you as though nothing is wrong. Difference between Suspicion and Skeptical is one of Intensity. Suspicion is more protective than Skeptical because potential for harm is more.

To be Suspicious is to remain at arm’s length and to search for confirming evidence of deception.

     Suspicion is inappropriate if there is no mismatch between the other person’s past and present behavior. If there is no danger of harm and no evidence of mismatch, being Suspicious will create confusion, resentment, and anger in others.

CHUNK SIZE

Small                      Bigger                          Big                         Huge /Vast

EXAMPLES OF CHAINING EMOTIONS

LETHARGIC V. CURIOUSITY

Lethargic:  Tempo is slow. Senses are dulled. Responses slacken like swimming in peanut butter. Sounds are slowed, muffled, and dulled. Body feels heavy. Attention wanders. Typically, people feel lethargic about some present task rather than past activity or future endeavor. This is a way of removal from the present. Don’t want to be here. You are passive in the present. You are not getting much done but you are wishing it would somehow get done.

     Most people wait until their mood changes or you force yourself (willpower) to get on with it while still feeling lethargic. Now the mood includes resentment and anger.

Curious:  Emotion people feel when they are facing a puzzle/question to which they want an answer. Tempo is quicker. Body feels lighter. Senses are sharper and more alert. Attention is focused. Internal dialogue is filled with questions and speculative answers (Where is it? What is it? What is going to happen? Will this do it?). You are actively involved.

     You are open to input, input in the form of ideas, opinions from others, or perceptual stimuli.  This openness is result of criteria of what is important or personal significance. It has the power to propel us to take action. It is an excellent emotion to initiate behavior because it easily evolves into motivation and determination. It changes from something you want to know (modality of possibility) to something you must know (modality of necessity).

   Increase the Tempo while feeling Curious and the feeling shifts to Restless or Impatient.

   The components of Modality, Involvement & Tempo are most important for both Curiosity and Lethargy.

   Curious, Skeptical and Suspicious are all open to input.  Curious is the most open. Skeptical searches for the flaw in what is. Suspicious is based upon belief that there is foul play or deception to be identified and is only open to what confirms that belief.

COMPONENTS  OF  EMOTION

OVERWHELMED V. MOTIVATED

Overwhelmed:  You are keeping in mind at the same time all of the things you have to do.

There is a sense of urgency about getting it all done. The Modality is one of Necessity: “Have to” or “need to” or “must” to prevent negative consequences. You hold your breath and there is more tension in the body. Internal dialogue is full of incomplete questions as attention flits from one of the many necessary task to another. The primary characteristic is simultaneously keeping in mind all the things that must be done. The tasks are kept as a mob all demanding attention. There is no priority and no sequence and no demand is willing to be put to the side temporarily.

There is more to be done than the perceived time allows. Comparison is one of possible failure. Feeling can turn into feelings of being immobilized or hopeless.

Motivated:  Primary characteristic is feeling attraction. Modality of Desire is ‘I Want’. Modality of Possibility is ‘I Can Get It’. Tempo is not as frenetic/uneven, but may be fast and strong. Time Frame is in the Future either near at hand or far down the road. There is Comparison between what you have and what you can get. Comparison to being better off in the future than the present. Criteria could be standards of helping others or enriching yourself or it could be values of doing something practical or something fun.

OTHER PAIRS OF EMOTIONS

Inadequate to Adequate

Overwhelmed to Responsibly Creative

Anxious to Capable

Disappointment to Frustration

Disappointment to Acceptance

Depressed to Encouraged

Hopeful to Responsible

Bored to Pleasurable Anticipation

Grief to Acceptance

Satisfied to Thrilled

Generative Chain / Successive Approximation

Overwhelmed……….Inadequate……….Hopeless ………Depressed……….Paralysis

Vulnerable ………….Anxious ………….Fearful ………  Panic …………..  Paralysis

Irritated ……………..Impatient ………   Frustration ……Anger ………….  Rage

Skeptical ……………Suspicious ……… Jealous ………  Hurt …………… Anger

Needy ………………Rejected ………….Hurt …………  Inadequate …….. Depression

Depression ………….Sad……………….Serious ……… Curious ………..  Hope

Overwhelmed ………Anxious ………….Curious ……… Self Respect ……Adequate

Regret……………….Respect …………..Curious………  Reassured………Confident

Frustration ………….Curiosity …………Adequate ……  Confidence ……..Determined

Anxiety ……………..Curiosity …………Adequate……   Confidence ……. Patient

Stuck ………………. Curiosity …………Risk/Interested/Let Go …Confidence/Adequate